The procedure is done and the chest tube is in. Kate is still loopy. She has been uncomfortable today and this is the first time I have seen actual tears. Until now, it had been more of a wimper or a moan.
Getting her set up for the chest tube totally broke my heart. I tried to tell her that I was leaving but would come back and she started to cry. I asked if they could please sedate her before I left, so they agreed. She did her I'm-not-going-to-be-sedated-without-a-ton-of-drugs thing that she did in the cath lab. Every sound made her eyes fly open and when the doctors and nurse came in with their masks and surgical hats, she started sobbing, "Mama! Mama!" I told them the masks and hats were freaking her out, and they were kind enough to leave--except for the nurse, who took hers off. MORE sedative meds went into her IV. She continued to cry, "Mama! Mama!" until I thought my heart would break. I held her face and kept reassuring her that I would stay. She put her arm around my neck and tried to hold on, but she is just too weak. I stayed one inch from her face and tried to prevent her from looking at anyone or anything except for me. She continued to try to look out of the corner of her eyes so the doctor said..."Give her some more meds." FINALLY, she was almost out and I was able to pull back a little and watch for the rapid eye movements that signals that the meds have worked. At that point, they came in with straps and strapped her arms and legs to the bed. She was strapped down spread eagle.
My reaction to that was deep. I guess there is something so gut-wrenching about seeing her vulnerability. Her arms were stretched wide, totally exposing her chest. She could not protect herself in any way. My thoughts drifted to my Savior, and how He was willing to go to the cross and let Himself hang there, not only completely vulnerable, but also naked, just like Kate. I couldn't imagine what it must have been like for God to watch Jesus suffer so. I had to turn my baby over to kind doctors and nurses, but God had to watch His Son get spit on and beaten by the very ones He had come to rescue. That kind of love is unimaginable.
I walked out of the room and looked back through the window to see my precious Kate lying helpless on the bed, strapped down. My stomach turned over and fighting tears, I walked out the doors, wishing I could stay and hold her hand. They wouldn't let me stay because it was a sterile procedure. I'm glad it's over and I hope she will forgive me for 'letting' them do that to her. She seems a bit miffed at me today and won't make eye contact. Please pray that her little spirit can understand how much I love her and that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt her needlessly.
God must feel like that, huh? He has to allow some hurts in our lives sometimes to keep us from harm. To keep Kate from this surgery would cause HARM to her, and so we have to let her hurt through it. Many times we do not understand why God allows us to hurt, but I believe that He is always FOR us and that everything He does is for our ultimate good.
