Monday, April 20, 2009

2:15 Update - Monday

The procedure is done and the chest tube is in. Kate is still loopy. She has been uncomfortable today and this is the first time I have seen actual tears. Until now, it had been more of a wimper or a moan.

Getting her set up for the chest tube totally broke my heart. I tried to tell her that I was leaving but would come back and she started to cry. I asked if they could please sedate her before I left, so they agreed. She did her I'm-not-going-to-be-sedated-without-a-ton-of-drugs thing that she did in the cath lab. Every sound made her eyes fly open and when the doctors and nurse came in with their masks and surgical hats, she started sobbing, "Mama! Mama!" I told them the masks and hats were freaking her out, and they were kind enough to leave--except for the nurse, who took hers off. MORE sedative meds went into her IV. She continued to cry, "Mama! Mama!" until I thought my heart would break. I held her face and kept reassuring her that I would stay. She put her arm around my neck and tried to hold on, but she is just too weak. I stayed one inch from her face and tried to prevent her from looking at anyone or anything except for me. She continued to try to look out of the corner of her eyes so the doctor said..."Give her some more meds." FINALLY, she was almost out and I was able to pull back a little and watch for the rapid eye movements that signals that the meds have worked. At that point, they came in with straps and strapped her arms and legs to the bed. She was strapped down spread eagle.

My reaction to that was deep. I guess there is something so gut-wrenching about seeing her vulnerability. Her arms were stretched wide, totally exposing her chest. She could not protect herself in any way. My thoughts drifted to my Savior, and how He was willing to go to the cross and let Himself hang there, not only completely vulnerable, but also naked, just like Kate. I couldn't imagine what it must have been like for God to watch Jesus suffer so. I had to turn my baby over to kind doctors and nurses, but God had to watch His Son get spit on and beaten by the very ones He had come to rescue. That kind of love is unimaginable.

I walked out of the room and looked back through the window to see my precious Kate lying helpless on the bed, strapped down. My stomach turned over and fighting tears, I walked out the doors, wishing I could stay and hold her hand. They wouldn't let me stay because it was a sterile procedure. I'm glad it's over and I hope she will forgive me for 'letting' them do that to her. She seems a bit miffed at me today and won't make eye contact. Please pray that her little spirit can understand how much I love her and that I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt her needlessly.

God must feel like that, huh? He has to allow some hurts in our lives sometimes to keep us from harm. To keep Kate from this surgery would cause HARM to her, and so we have to let her hurt through it. Many times we do not understand why God allows us to hurt, but I believe that He is always FOR us and that everything He does is for our ultimate good.


Angie said...

Oh, Karin, I'm praying for lots and lots of strength and peace for you and little Kate. You have to be so strong for Kate, and that takes a whole lot out of a person. I truly believe God gives us no more than what we can handle, but sometimes it is just hard. God bless you both!

Kimberly said...

Karin -words just fail me. It is so hard to do the right thing for our children. Some day she will know, the journal you are keeping, she will know exactly what a loving mother and family she has.

Lori said...

Ok, this post didn't just make me made me weep. Picturing your sweet girl, totally unable to understand what is going vulnerable. Oh my.

Then your incredible comparison to our Savior in a similar, yet MUCH MORE horrific And to think...people still reject Him...still mock Him...still shake their fists at Him. Unbelievable. Yet He loves them anyway.

I pray that much glory comes to our Lord through this and that Kate will fully understand it all someday and that her story will be rich with miracles to tell.

Jaime said...

oh mylanta. the description you provided of her getting prepped for her chest tube broke my heart.

and then again, things were put into perspective for me about hom much God loves us.
Great post.

James, Dawn and Family said...

It is amazing how much your heart can hurt for someone you havent met in person. My heart aches that Kate has to go through all this but atleast she has the opportunity for healing. Someday she'll know your heart. Also some day she'll be thankful for the parents who gave her a second chance at life.

Kim K. said...

I'm so sorry that it's been so hard for you and Kate. I'm sitting in a computer lab at my University where I just finished teaching a computer class and I'm bawling reading your latest post. Please know that so many people are praying for your family and sweet Kate. You aren't alone.

Meredith said...

Oh Karin, I'm in tears right now and I wish I could take the pain away but I can't. Our Heavenly Father is totally in control and He will be glorified through all of this. Thank you for your words of encouragement about our Savior.
Kate will love you all the more for doing this!
Love you, Meredith

Cindy said...

Oh Karin,
the lump in my throat turns to tears as I read your post. My heart goes out to little Kate and you, brave mama.
Sending more prayers.
You are handling so much with so very much grace, I imagine you are an inspiration to the doctors and nurses too.

Aaron and Erica said...

I couldn't keep the tears from falling as I read this post. We're still praying here in Alabama...


Marjorie said...

heartbreaking. utterly heartbreaking. breath taking. awe inspiring.

much love and prayers.

Petrie said...

Karin, I just found your blog via a friend's blog. Our daughter, Katie Mei, just had an unstaged Fontan in March. She is still in the hospital. I will keep Kate in prayer for a speedy recovery. I know the pain of having the chest tube replaced...our daughter's came out and she had pneumothorax as well.

Karin said...

Petri...I will pray for your Katie Mei, while I pray for my Kate. What is an unstaged fontan?

trustandobey said...

Hi Karin,
I am so sorry your little lamb had to go through this today. We just have to remember that God loves her more than anyone and she belongs to Him, as do all of our children. He has obviously had His eye on her from the very begining because she now has a wonderful family and has been given a new lease on life. Will you list some specific prayer requests for you, Kate and your family? We would like to lift up what is specifically on your heart. I will also pray for a peaceful, easy night for you and Kate.
PS...your posting of today was very touching...took me right back to our own hospital room two months ago with my own Kate. I really feel for what you are going through.

Wife of the Pres. said...

Oh Karin, I am SO SORRY. I know that look on their little faces. When S was taken back for her CL surgery a few weeks ago, she cried and screamed for us even though she was loopy. It was gut-wrenching and I did not know my heart could physically hurt like that until that day.

OK, as you described this and then shared about our Lord, I immediately thought of this verse that Jesus shared to comfort the disciples before His crucifixion:

“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me." John 14:1

sandra said...

Karin, you and Kate are my heroes!!! I never made the connection with Kate and HB until I read your story in LWB Newsletter. I took that first picture of Kate at HB when we visited in Oct. 2006! What a fighter she is, and how lucky to have a famiy by her side now.

I am not a cryer either, but your blog brought tears to my eyes. My youngest daughter just had her adenoids out, a very "easy" surgery. And even during that I couldn't help but think of her, and all the children in China, going through surgery by herself (which she did once in China, just like your Kate). I too crawled up in bed with her and what a comfort it was to both of us.

Kate won't remember all that's happened to her at the hospital, but she will remember that her MOM was right there beside her the whole time. We will continue to pray for all of you, and especially for comfort and healing for Kate.

God Bless you all,
Sandi Glass (LWB HH Coordinator)