Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Saga Continues....

This morning we got up early to attend a swearing-in ceremony for Ryan in downtown Boston. The plan was that he would then leave for boot camp with the other recruits. (Ryan had spent the night and had a physical with the *rmy personnel.)

While I was getting ready to go, I pleaded with God to comfort my heart. I was far away from friends and family, feeling alone, and I needed Him to hold me tight. I wanted to get to know Him as my Comforter in ways I had not had a chance to know Him before.

As we pulled out of our neighborhood, I caught my breath. Despite the fact that sunbeams are high up in the sky, I have always felt like they were God's way of sending me a hug. I was completely unprepared for this sight when I pulled up to the stop sign.

I know this picture is kind of dark, but if you look closely, you can see that the sunbeams touch the road.

The sunbeams continued for a mile or so. That is Jeff's car ahead of me. Depending on how the road turned, at times, I drove right through the beams of light.

I knew that God was showing me in a tangible way that He was holding us tight. And then He whispered, "Karin, give Ryan to me."

I realized that although I had thought it, I had never actually said it.
"He's Your's, Lord. He's always been Yours. You just let me have him for a few years. Thank you for letting me be his Mama."

And I knew that I could entrust my boy to the Father's arms. Arms so much more capable of taking care of him than I could ever hope to be. My thoughts drifted to another time, nineteen years ago, when his precious birth family entrusted him to us. I relived the moment that his birth mother placed him lovingly in my arms, sobbing, with heart breaking....and yet knowing that hers was an act of love that was for his good. Years later, I stood at that same crossroad, wanting to hold on to him but knowing that for his good, he needed to be placed into the arms of another.

I don't cry much, but as I saw those sunbeams and felt God's gentle love, the tears started to fall. I am so blessed to have had the privilege (and sometimes the aggravation) of being Ryan's mom.

We arrived at the m*litary building and walked in. Tears flowed afresh as the reality of where he was going hit me yet again. I do not know what it is like to take a child to college, but I think it must be a bit different. The m*litary owns him. We no longer have a say in anything. All of a sudden, we have been cut out of his life as his guides and protectors, and have been relegated to the side-lines. It's not necessarily a bad thing--it's just very abrupt and difficult to process.

We walked upstairs and saw Ryan sitting dejectedly in the back of a room of other recruits. When we got to where he was sitting, he looked up at us and quietly said, 'I'm not shipping."
"I'm not shipping today. The doctor said the injury on my arm needs to heal before I can go."

Ryan had taken a little ride on his dirt bike on Saturday while we were at the beach. He said he wasn't going very fast, but he hit a rock and took a spill. His arms and legs had a fair amount of road rash, but he was hopeful that he would still pass the physical.

He didn't.

Poor kid. He is soooooo disappointed. He had been counting the days. At first they told us that he could leave in 4 weeks. This afternoon, he came home and told us that they had to completely re-do all of his paperwork. The good news is that he is now going to be able to get job training in his first choice (which was not the case before). The bad news (for him) is that he will not be leaving until Jan. 2010. Yes...January.

We are now at a bit of a loss. He needs a job. He needs something to do. He's bored and friendless here. So we are praying for guidance. We know that God has a reason for this delay, and because He loves Ryan, the delay is for good.

Sooo....we did all that crying for nothing. ha.

Maybe tomorrow will be a quiet day?


Lori said...

Oh my gracious! That's got to be a weird feeling for all of you. Poor kid. Maybe he could do some volunteer work somewhere...or a retail job soon for the Christmas season.

It's funny...I prayed for you a lot today...that you would have peace and comfort in your heart. I sure hope Ryan's departure in January is easier to go through than this time around. A Mama shouldn't have to do that twice with the same child!

Oh, and I didn't realize Ryan was adopted. Cool!

Holly said...

Wow. That's hard and yet it's great too! God's timing is always perfect even when we don't understand.
I didn't know Ryan was adopted either. Funny cause I thought he looked like YOU!
Email me if you ever wanna talk about something I didn't have any idea we had in common.
God is the great healer.

Kim K. said...

What a roller coaster of emotions. I can't even imagine what you all must be feeling right now. There must be some BIG plans in store for him. Thinking of you ALL. Hugs!!!

Adeye said...

Oh my goodness, what an emotional time for you--so up and down.

The comforting from the Father was just unbelievable. So tangible. I too would have been bawling like a baby:)

I am so sorry for your boy, but thankful for the extra few months you have with him. What a gift. January will be here before you even know it.

Trusting with you that he'll find something to do for the next few months. I know he will! This has not taken the Lord by surprise--He'll take care of all the details.

phew, friend, what a crazy time.

Denise said...

Oh I totally understand what your feeling. We had one son leave for the Air Force only to come home a month later with a medical leave. Today my second oldest son Joined the Navy and leaves May 3, 2010 for basic training. It is so hard to let them go! I know God has a plan for him, but letting go is so hard! I will be a total wreck next May! I'm so glad he is on a delayed entry, I will have time to prepare my heart!

God Bless and maybe his delay in shipping out today was somehow God protecting him from something. ????

Love Denise
In Michigan

Angie said...

Hmmm...what is God up to this time? And I, like others, had no idea that Ryan was adopted. He really does resemble you!

Sharon said...

Oh Karin, what a roller coaster ride. As you said, there must be a reason for the delay. You poor thing. We will pray that he finds something good to occupy his time.

Lynsay said...

oh dear me. I'm crying too, perhaps aeverything has caught up and relief that you get a break, ahem...babysitter....ahem....that you get more time to prepare before he goes off again! I know the Lord has something for him!

Umm....I want your KF baby. As soon as I get back we will prepare to take her. Lets get the wheels rolling!!!

trustandobey said...

I had no idea Ryan was adopted! I have always thought he looked like you! Thanks for this post of God's mercy to a mom's heart.

McNew Family said...

Goodness - what a roller coaster (as if we aren't all used to that ride)! Those tears weren't for naught - God was able to use those tears and show your heart how much He loves both Ryan and you. I have sent my two eldest sons off with their recruiter - yes, it is VERY hard. God knows what He is orchestrating. Be still and enjoy your boy. Good luck on the job hunt!

Kimberlie said...

I love the way that God chooses to hug us sometimes, even through a shaft of light through the thick trees.

I know it's a bummer for Ryan to be injured, but wow!, now he gets his first choice of training. And he gets to spend Christmas with you, and New Year's.

Sending you hugs!

The Ferrill's said...

Oh Karin, I'm tearing up typing this! First, in those pictures of the sunbeams, I could see the beauty so bright! It makes me think of that old song from GA's..."Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, to shine for Him each day..."
You certainly shine for Jesus. What a beautiful story of God preparing you for when Ryan does ship out. You are right, there is a reason. Thank you for sharing your heart, it blessed me so much tonight!

Jackie said...

So I'm reading your post, totally getting into it, envisioning you driving down the road, seeing the sunbeams, marveling at God's intervention, picturing you crying...and then the punch line! "We did all that crying for nothing!" Too funny, even if you didn't mean for it to be, it just was.

Shonni said...

Oh my goodness, I know he must be disappointed! What an emotional time. Praying that the LORD shows him what this special time is for.